Transforming Conflict: Harnessing Body Awareness for Peaceful Resolutions
Note to reader: The question I’m asking in this story as I recall it from March is “what’s actually going on here”?
I see the automatic doors open into the entrance of the hospital. I’m standing inside the lobby out of 20 degree temperatures with Mom. My older brother Mike marches toward me. He’s visibly upset with a scowl on his face and a particular tone in his voice as he approaches and says “Where were you? I was waiting for you blah blah blah..”.
I stopped listening because I began to notice the rising energy in my body. I’m already in a story about his entrance.
I know from lots of practice that I'm at a dangerous edge. Depending on how I engage him will either have pleasant or unpleasant consequences for us, Mom and my other family members on this very sudden trip home. And one sibling, Stephen, is the reason we are all convening at Maine Medical Center. He is very sick. We are a little bit, how shall I say…emotionally active.
Noticing the feeling in my body of wanting to defend myself is where my power is.
I can use the sensations to make a difference, shift the dynamic rather than pile onto his already upset body.
I slow my walk toward him just enough to decide whether to engage in a Verbal Sword Battle. I slow myself even more (in walk and thoughts) and stay present by observing my body so I can design a response versus react.
I’ve been training myself with much more rigor over the past year. Reactivity is an opportunity for creativity and using my sensations as teachers. If I go with reactivity, there will be unpleasant consequences for all. That might sound normal, common and understandable. But I have been building my capacity to aikido my way through interactions without additional increase in my, or others, blood pressure. I’m in charge of creating a culture of well-being everywhere I go.
I can raise the stakes, meet his energy, yet I don’t want to. I’d normalized reacting in a lot of places in my life, especially with family. I know logically that I have a choice. But ‘knowledge’ without the ‘how’ hasn't made much of a difference. When I really sink this thought into my body how arguing with my brother feels, it feels really tight in my shoulders and my jaw hurts. That’s great information as to where my shoulder and jaw pain comes from. That’s power, that’s agency. I know the discomfort in my body tells me to slow down, take effective action or let this shit go.
I’m sensitive to the fact that my family is likely in the throes of their own emotional reaction from their own internal dialogue about Stephen’s hospitalization. And, adding my own upset about this minor issue feels shitty. I’m not going to defend myself, I am going to redirect what I’m feeling.
I also know from experience that upsets are a request in disguise. I realize we were not clear about where Mom and I were to be when he brought the car curbside. He’s a considerate guy. He does not want to be an impediment to others needing curbside service, too. I’m going to imagine he wants smooth flow of Qi, too, and that I get!
Here’s how I responded. I made a clear request once I approached. “If you need me to meet you outside or anywhere, don't text, call. I was engaged in responding to other family texts about Steve’s condition, so I didn’t see your text as the others were coming in”.
“Oh” he says.
I felt the energy between us quickly deflate, like air being let out of a balloon. We walk to the car, pile in with Mom and we’re on our way. Just like that, anger fades and no upset residue from this interaction for the rest of my short visit.
Now, you could call this being an adult. However, I know too many adults that don’t address the small, daily, mundane upsets that build up over time. These are the ones that have been normalized, verbal jabs labeled as acceptable “sibling rivalry” or “birth order conflict”, or written off as “that’s how it is”. If a situation was truly one of acceptance, we’d be 100% peaceful, no reaction, no tension.
How many of you recognize little jabs that don’t land well at home, at work, with clients, with family? All that piles up, affects your body and theirs, and you wonder why your sleep is off, have heart palpitations or a team-member is difficult to be with, and so on.
It’s time to re-train and unpractice those dynamics. First you have to create some space, slow down, observe….likely the trickiest part of any dynamic you want to be different than it is. Don’t be in a fight with what’s so. Notice what your body is feeling and where.
This upset was about an unclear communication, the common stuff of daily life.
A misunderstanding becomes a big deal when it’s not handled skillfully, directly, effectively. Take effective action (I did) or completely let it go (I could have also done that).
We have options and agency and these practices, like going to a gym, building the capacity or muscle you didn’t know you had.
Curious how to be calm and be effective in your personal and work life? Work with me! Spoiler alert: We’ll be fine-tuning things you’re already doing!